Brokenness

just some thoughts...

I've been reflecting on and praying a lot about brokenness recently. To be honest, I've had a tough time fully grasping what that term means, both in a larger context and in my life personally. I am generally a pretty positive and joyful and optimistic person - especially here, where I've had moments and days filled with such pure and unadulterated joy, joy that is uncomplicated and uncluttered as a result of the beautiful simplicity of African life. Anyways, I think for me 'brokenness' has always carried a rather negative connotation; in my mind it sounds rather scary and vulnerable and depressing, and I'm not a huge fan of feeling any of those emotions. But slowly, God has been revealing to me through seeing more of the brokenness of this world outside of my usual little bubble and through gently showing me my own broken nature that fullness can only be found in Jesus once we truly realize, accept, and confess our brokenness.

Seeking brokenness in Jesus is NOT feeling like we are failures or feeling as though we are useless - those are lies straight from Satan trying to convince us that we are unlovable and incapable of receiving God's grace. Rather, coming to a place of brokenness actually brings us out of those places of fear and of insecurity and delivers us into a place of peace. I know this to be true because I experienced it last night as we worshiped and sang together. I had been hearing, and even at times truly believing, lies about my worth, that I am of little value and importance, that what good am I really doing here in Kenya? But then last night, instead of just letting those thoughts continue to swirl, I began to confess my brokenness to Jesus. I began spilling out some of the secrets of my soul, telling Him that I am a bit of a disaster right now, that I am confused and messy and unclean and stained and full of regret over things I have done and fearful about decisions I will have to make. I told Him that I have at times felt like a fake and a failure. And as I sat there, finally telling Jesus how broken I am and how greatly and deeply I desire Him to take me away from those places of fear and sin, I found myself in a place of inexplicable peace, and surrounded by a comfort found within His loving embrace.

This week I have been reading and thoroughly enjoying Blue Like Jazz, and in his chapter called "Grace" Donald Miller writes about seeking God's love within our brokenness, rather than seeking it from a place of feeling like we are worthy or deserving. He writes: "Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love." If we are willing to beg for and accept our Father's love from a place of humility - a place of true brokenness and need - we receive fullness and identity from Christ, something that I know personally brings me greater peace than anything else ever could. And as Miller writes, "...a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion."