Step by Step, Day by Day

I have been such a slacker with the blogging lately! I guess it’s one of those things that kind of gets pushed down in priority when there’s a lot else going on. Anyways, I’ve been thinking about writing a blog on this subject for the past week or so, and I’m finally getting around to it. First, a little background story…

When I was in Kenya, often times our team would go to some location – a church, a school, a worship service – and we’d spontaneously be asked to perform a song. The first time we had to do this, I believe we were at our local church, and we decided that the easiest, simplest, shortest song that everyone knew how to sing was “Step by Step.” If you’ve ever been to church in your life, ever, I’m guessing you know the one I’m taking about – “God you are my God, and I will ever praise you…I will seek you in the morning, and I will learn to walk in your ways, and step by step you’ll lead me…and I will follow you all of my days.” After about the second or third time of being asked to sing on-the-spot in front of a group of people, it kind of became assumed that we would always just use our go-to, SUPER exiting and elaborate song, Step by Step (kidding about the exciting part). By the end of the trip, we had done this so many times, that not only was everyone incredibly sick of this particular song, but it became somewhat of a running joke that it was the only one we EVER sang when asked to sing for other people. I swear to you I actually had a dream one night, while in Kenya, that I was leading worship for a huge conference somewhere, and when I got up on stage to start singing, the ONLY song I could remember the words/tune to was Step by Step. I’m not kidding. I woke up laughing.

Well, I personally believe that God has a pretty amusing sense of humor, because now I’m here in Ecuador, finding myself many times easily discouraged or frustrated or homesick, and the words of that song – while incredibly simple – have never been such a beautiful reminder. Take it step by step, day by day – God’s been placing those words on my heart over and over – and I will lead you. I’ve heard many pastors and speakers use the analogy of God leading us like a father leads their toddler when teaching them how to walk. They take one step, maybe two, before they inevitably fall down. But a father never gives up on his child. He picks them back up, when they’re ready, and continues to lead them, slowly and patiently. I’ve had that image go through my mind a lot recently – it’s at times what I feel this season of my life has metaphorically looked like, like I'm only able to make it one or two steps before something knocks me back down, or I lose my own balance and forget that I need God to hold me. It’s incredibly tiring, and not at all easy to be patient and persevering, especially with my personality that seems inclined to go about a million miles an hour without really pausing to breathe. But God is teaching me this semester something that I have needed to learn for YEARS – that when I’ve overwhelmed with emotion or stress or whatever it may be, I need to slow down, allow myself space and time to relax, and choose to take it step by step, day by day.

I had to make a difficult decision last week – I decided to withdraw from one of my classes. The migraine I mentioned in my last post ended up lasting for over two weeks (part of the reason I haven’t blogged in so long) – coming in cluster headaches and residual migraine pain that didn’t let up until only about 5 days ago. I am suspicious that it may have had something to do with the high altitude, but I am close to positive that the emotional and mental stress I have been dealing with, combined with all the changes and adjustments that go along with living in a different country, also had a huge part to do with it. Either way, my health (in all respects of the word) was quickly waning, and on top of everything else we had just begun our graduate-level class which was entirely in Spanish and met 6 hours a week. Pretty much needless to say, I absolutely could not handle it on top of everything else going on. So instead of doing what I usually do – sucking it up and letting myself stay stressed and anxious – I made the decision to withdraw and use the extra time in my schedule to relax and rest. You may be thinking, “well of course you needed to do that, that’s an easy decision to make,” but that wasn’t exactly how I felt at the time. I don’t give up easily and I don’t like the feeling of failure at ALL, and I’m terrible at saying no to things even when I know I don’t have time for them (although I have gotten much better at that since the beginning of college). But once I made the decision, I KNEW it was the best thing I could have done. It was a step in the right direction and a step towards learning how to better take care of myself.

My friend posted this quote on her Facebook a while back, and I thought it was perfectly “in theme” with this blog: “If God sends us on stony paths, He will provide us with strong shoes” (Alexander MacLaren). I love this image of walking down a road equipped with God’s power leading our feet. So, with the “strong shoes” I trust that God has given me, I’m taking it step by step, one day at a time. And when I do fall, He is providing me daily with the strength to pick myself back up, and keep walking this journey.

Amazon Adventures

Last weekend our group embarked on our long-awaited adventure into the Amazon. I must say I was a little skeptical after our exhausting trip to San Clemente, and I’m not too fond of being surrounded by millions of insects, but overall the trip ended up being very fun and interesting! It was such a cool experience, and equally cool to now be able to say I’ve been hiking through the Amazon rainforest – how many people get to do that?!

The bus-ride there was a grueling 9 hours, but we slept a lot of the way and I honestly enjoyed the time to listen to Flatirons sermon podcasts and music on my iPod :) We lived for the weekend in a small, very remote community of Secoya people (one of the indigenous groups of Ecuador) that had just recently begun it’s community eco-tourism business – our group was the largest they had ever hosted. After a looong day of traveling (beginning at 5:30 am), we finally arrived at our campsite after taking a 30-minute canoe ride down the river to the community (I told you it was remote!) It was hot and humid, but we were all so exhausted that we jumped right into our tents and fell asleep.

The next morning we woke up bright and early at 6 am to go on a hike in the rainforest. We were hoping to see some of the wildlife that is most active during the morning hours, but unfortunately our huge, noisy group of 20+ people likely scared everything away, because we returned to camp having only seen a giant spider – not that exciting. Bummer. The rest of the day was really chill, which I enjoyed much more than the back-to-back exhausting activities they had planned for us on the previous trips. We had our faces painted – Amazon warrior style – and spent the next many hours learning from some of the Secoya members about their lifestyle and daily activities, including making clay pots, grinding corn, and beading jewelry. The interactions we had with the people were very positive and warm, and we all felt very welcomed by the entire community.

That afternoon, we headed in the canoes a little ways down the river to a “beach” (large sandy area next to the water), where we swam to cool-off from the intense heat and relax. On our way back we floated down the river a bit further to see some monkeys and birds, and watch an incredible sunset. We also supposedly caught glimpse of a pink dolphin, which our guides were very excited about because apparently they’re very rare to spot – although I can’t really claim to have seen anything other than a ripple of water, sadly. That evening after dinner, we witnessed (and I experienced!) two “cleansings” from the local medicine man, or Shaman. I say “experienced” because I volunteered to be one of the patients, since at that time I still had a lot of residual headache pain. I really didn’t think it could possibly get much stranger than the guinea pig ritual I described in my post from San Clemente, but I was nearly proved wrong when we soon learned that the Secoya method of healing and cleansing essentially consists of a 30-minute chant during which the Shaman sporadically smokes cigars and then chugs several glasses of rum. I am not making this up people. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel much different afterwards, although the next morning my head did feel strangely better…so who really knows :)

(On a side note, the Shaman continued his chanting literally ALL NIGHT (yes, we could hear it from our tents, LOUDLY), and evidently continued with the chugging of the rum as well, because the next morning we brought him back to his home in the canoe, still entirely intoxicated and befuddled. Yep, bet you didn't know that kind of thing went down in the Amazon.)

On Saturday we woke up even earlier than the day before – 5 am – to go out in the canoes once again in search of wildlife. We only saw a few monkeys and a toucan in the far-off distance, but the sunrise was beautiful. After our boat ride we went on a longer hike through the rainforest, during which we learned all about the medicinal uses of the many different plants from our Secoya guide. (Also, our guide did the entire 2-hour hike in BARE FEET, as we traipsed awkwardly behind him in our massive boots – I think you can pretty easily tell who the natives are!)

After the hot and humid hike, we returned to the same beach from the day before and happily dove into the cool water. We weren’t too far away from the campsite, so most of the group decided to swim back, but my swimming skills are not exactly exceptional or up to par, especially in a lifeguard-less area, so I contentedly returned via canoe – perhaps a good idea in the long run, as we discovered later that the very same river we had blissfully been swimming in may or may not have been home to anacondas and/or alligators...YIKES. Luckily everyone made it back alive and in one piece – as one of our canoe guides nonchalantly informed us: “Don’t worry, they only eat people when they’re REALLY hungry!” How comforting. After a quick lunch back at the community, we packed up and headed back on the bus to a nearby town called Lago Agrio to enjoy our last night in a rather luxurious hotel complete with air-conditioning, television, and hot showers!

Our final morning we had the opportunity to go on a “Toxic-Tour” – visits to different sites in the region that have been contaminated by oil drilling and toxic wastes. The basic background of the situation is that during almost 3 decades (1964-1990) of oil drilling, Texaco (now owned by Chevron) dumped more than 18 billion gallons of toxic wastewater into the rainforest, leaving local people suffering a wave of multiple types of cancer, birth defects, and other illnesses. In addition, oil-polluted water and soil are now spread over more than 1,500 sq. miles in the Amazon. Now, with the support of an international campaign for justice, the affected communities and indigenous people from the Lago Agrio region have brought a $16 billion case against Chevron. It’s currently the largest environmental lawsuit in the world, and if successful would force the companies to clean up the damage and compensate local people whose lives and environment have been severely damaged.

We got to see a number of sites where oil has clearly leaked into the surrounding soil and rivers – it was sobering, to say the least. Our guide had himself been affected by this tragic injustice – both of his parents had passed away from cancer caused by the contamination.

Overall, our trip to the Amazon was very interesting and eye-opening. One thing I was made more aware of throughout the weekend was that Quito as a city and region within Ecuador is certainly not representative of the country as a whole. Quito (and especially the areas in which we live and the families we live with) is generally wealthy, urban, and developed, but Ecuador is still considered a developing country. I felt that it revealed a lot and I personally gained better understanding of the country to finally be in a region that is in fact developing, more impoverished, and much more secluded from the busy urban feel.

Lists

I’m a list person. I make gazillions of lists, most of the time for practical reasons, sometimes just for fun (yes, I know, my idea of “fun” can be a little odd…) My lists range from “things to do tomorrow” to “things to do in the next year” to “dreams for my future.” I keep lists of books I want to read and movies I want to see and people I need to call or e-mail, and I start making my Christmas lists (both things I want to give and things I’d like to receive) around October, just for the fun of it. When I was younger I made lists like “things to do with friends this summer” and “places I want to travel to,” and I still make lots and lots of lists of favorite quotes and Bible verses, because there is rarely a day that goes by where I don’t need a little (or a lot) of inspiration and God’s word to keep me going.

This week has been tough, mainly because I’ve been battling a terribly intense migraine and struggling with getting behind on some of the things on my “lists,” and just feeling generally deflated and discouraged. And I guess if I’m being honest, which I always try to be, those two words have characterized a fair amount of my time here so far. That’s a much longer blog post for a different time, but basically this whole experience has not been at all what I expected, or what I had hoped for. I know and I’m trusting in the promise that I DO have a purpose here – and even if I don’t understand it now (which I don’t), that God has promised to bring something totally beautiful out of me being here, that I will affect people I meet here without even knowing it (and vice versa), and that He is working something really deep and really strong inside of me – this I am sure of, because I can literally feel it, and it’s probably going to take a lot more pain and internal wrestling to get there, but He’s promised that He will never take me through more than I can bear, and I believe that.

When I look at the title of my blog, Live in Joy – one of my personal mantras that lies at the top of my “ultimate life goals” list – I feel a little bit like I’ve failed. If you had asked me two months ago I would have told you in a second that I consider myself a joyful, joyous, joy-filled person – and that I strive to choose joy in the midst of tough and trying circumstances. But now…I’m doubting that. I’m struggling to choose joy. It’s not coming easy – it’s more like a battle, and most days I feel like I’m losing. And then today that wonderful verse came to mind, right when I needed it, that Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 12:10: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” It almost seems offensive to compare any of my own “sufferings” with those of Paul, but the truth of this verse really speaks to me right now. I feel weak a lot of the time. I've wanted to give up, go back to what’s easy and comfortable and warmly familiar. But Paul also writes earlier in 1:5 that “For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” Sometimes, I'm learning, God leads us through places and times like these because we need to come back to Him, trust in Him, find comfort and joy solely and wholly from Him – it’s a hard lesson, but a crucial one.

Anyways, to get back to my original musing about all my various lists, I made 3 "joy lists" yesterday, mainly for my own emotional and spiritual purposes and as a distraction from my migraine, but I figured I might as well share them :) We often let the difficult things or negative things or the anything-less-than-perfect things completely overshadow the beauty and blessings that we are surrounded by, wherever we go, so I decided to resurrect the presence of those things in my mind and in my life, as well as remind myself (and all of you!) of who God says we are.

10 things that make me happy:*

1. Coffee dates with my 91-year-old Ecuadorian friend Gonzalo

2. Spinach/apple/almond salads at Cassolette

3. Fresh-squeezed orange juice

4. Listening to The Civil Wars on repeat

5. Reading for pleasure (a.k.a., not for school)

6. The most delicious Sushi EVER at Noe

7. Wearing sweatpants all the time (sorry not sorry)

8. The constantly perfect weather – warm and sunny with the occasional afternoon thunderstorm

9. Dark chocolate

10. Only having to walk 5 steps from my building to get a cappuccino

*I realize half of these things are food. It was unintentional, but I guess if you know me, it makes sense.

10 things I’m grateful for:

1. My wonderful family back home

2. My wonderful host family here

3. Having a lot more free time than normal

4. Flatirons sermon podcasts

5. Exercise (mainly, actually, the endorphins) and feeling healthy

6. Everyone being incredibly patient with me and gracious about my Spanish

7. New days and new beginnings

8. Facebook and Skype, for making it easy to keep in touch with everyone I love back in Boulder/at Duke/my Kenya team

9. Music, and especially songs that capture exactly how I’m feeling or relate perfectly to my life

10. GRACE

10 things that God says I am:

1. uniquely gifted (Rom. 12:4-8, 1 Cor. 12)
2. completely accepted (Rom. 15:7)
3. beautiful and radiant (Song of Songs 5, 6)
4. a victorious over-comer (1 John 4:4, Rom. 8:37)
5. perfect and complete (1 Cor. 6:17)
6. of great value and worth (Matt 10:30-31, 1 Pet 1:18-19)
7. God's masterpiece (Eph. 2:10)
8. being transformed (Rom. 12:1-2)
9. totally forgiven (Col. 2:13)
10. unconditionally loved (John 15:9, 16:27)

San Clemente

This week has been unexpectedly busy and tiring (or maybe I’ve just been feeling a bit drained and trying to let my body catch up after an exhausting weekend), so I’m sorry I haven’t yet had a chance to blog about our field trip last weekend to the indigenous Karanki community of San Clemente! I’ll do my best now to remember some of the details.

After about a 4-hour bus ride, we arrived in San Clemente on Thursday (9/29) just in time for a community potluck-style lunch that had been prepared by all of the host families. Everyone welcomed us warmly and the food was DELICIOUS – tons of different meat, potato, corn, rice, veggie, and tamale dishes. The women of the community seem to bring their embroidery with them pretty much everywhere they go, and it was neat to watch them meticulously working on their beautifully intricate and colorful blouses. After lunch we went on a mini-tour of the village, which used to be an “hacienda,” or plantation, with extremely harsh working conditions (akin to slavery or indentured servants from what I gathered, up until only about 25 years ago.) We walked through all these huge fields and up what felt like a gazillion hills (they don’t believe in using switchbacks here…it’s all just straight uphill at 10,000 ft altitude!) and took in the stunning mountain views and the wonderfully peaceful silence of the whole area. After our 3-hour “walk” which included mini-history lessons about the village from our guide, we arrived back where we had eaten lunch and got to meet our host families for the weekend! There were more of us than there were families so we roomed in pairs (which ended up being a really good thing, I’ll explain why later…), and Phoebe and I fortuitously chose the most precious family we could have possibly imagined – a sweet-spirited farmer named Raúl, his shy wife Susan, and their adorable 12-year-old son Eddie.

The next morning we rolled out of bed at 6am (they get up even before that to start working in los campos), and after a delicious breakfast of yogurt & granola, eggs, and fresh-made empanadas, we trekked up the ridiculously steep hill and stopped at one of the campos for a brief lesson on how to till a field. It looks pretty self-explanatory – you just push a plow attached to two cows through the dirt – but it was surprisingly difficult! We only had to do one row back and forth – and let me tell you, it takes some serious strength. I have so much awe and respect for the men in the community who do it all day every day. I’m pretty sure we also looked completely ridiculous attempting to direct the cows/plow while awkwardly holding a whip. But to be fair it was our first time!

After we had each gotten a chance to try our hand (literally) at tilling the field, we drove a little ways to the base of a mountain and then hiked – yep you guessed it, STRAIGHT uphill – to the top, where there are ruins that have been buried from when the Spanish invaded Ecuador and destroyed the Incan temples with the purpose of essentially eradicating the Native culture. Many of our host families and other community members had come along with us, and we participated in a special ceremony marking the beginning of the fall solstice and planting season. The families had also brought along baskets and sacks full of food, so after the ceremony we ate another enormous potluck lunch atop the mountain, and then hiked back down and arrived back at the village in time to begin preparation for our next immersive experience – the “Temazcal”.

Temazcal is a traditional indigenous curative ceremony that is thought to purify the body and is used as a cleansing of mind, body, and spirit. It’s difficult to explain, but essentially it is a sort of sweat lodge that is produced using heated volancic stones that are placed into a pit in the ground, within an enclosed circular dome structure (the “temazcal”). The whole event was certainly unlike anything I’ve experienced before – it was incredibly hot and completely dark, and you had to focus closely on breathing and relaxing because at times it felt claustrophobic and it was difficult to breathe deeply. The whole ceremony lasted about two hours, and although it was a bit intense, afterwards I did feel quite relaxed and cleansed.

Unfortunately that night, I got food poisoning for I think the first time in my life, and what I certainly hope was the last. I ended up being fine, but let’s just say it was NOT a fun few hours, and as I mentioned earlier I am so glad that Phoebe was there to help me because if I had been alone I probably would have freaked out. Needless to say, in the morning I was completely exhausted and still felt sick, so I went back to sleep while everyone else went to our next activity. Around 11am I managed to get out of bed and felt much better albeit still pretty weak, but I dressed in the traditional indigenous clothing like everyone else and joined the rest of the group and host families where they were in the process of making yet another massive lunch. The preparation for this meal consisted of another traditional ceremony called “Pachamanka” – the men of the community dug a huge hole in the ground, filled it with hot rocks and piled in all the food on top, and then buried it all again. After about two hours the food was finally done, and although I had absolutely no desire to eat anything at the time, it was very cool to see the food being dug up, cooked and ready to eat.

That night we watched a demonstration (staged, not real) from the community’s midwife about natural techniques that they use during childbirth. Then we witnessed a traditional cleansing from the local medicine man, which was probably the most shocking part of the whole weekend. In order to diagnose his patients (two students in our group volunteered) he shook a live cuy (guinea pig) all over the person’s body until the cuy “absorbed” the patient’s sickness (the guinea pig dies in this process). He then examines the cuy by opening it up, and determines what sickness or issue the patient has by seeing the defects within the cuy’s body. I was of course trying to be as culturally sensitive as possible, but the whole thing was SO strange, and honestly a little disturbing. Regardless, it was a fascinating process to observe.

Well, that was pretty much the whole weekend as best I remember – it was certainly very interesting, engaging, thought-provoking, and immersive. The community of San Clemente has tourist groups constantly coming to visit, experience their way of life, and participate in their traditional practices, so it was clear throughout the weekend that most of the things we did were done regularly, and the host families are used to having foreigners stay with them. It was interesting because part of me felt like everything we were doing wasn’t actually authentic – that they were only doing it because we were there observing and engaging with them – but it was also clear that the people feel strongly about their culture being preserved and revitalized, and because of that the ceremonies we participated in still felt significant. Either way, the people of the San Clemente were wonderful and kind, and I am grateful for everything they shared with us and taught us about their community.