Okay, so that’s not actually the ONLY reason I haven’t blogged in a while...the truth is, the past three weeks have continued to feel challenging, tense, and at times I would even say quite painful. I’ve been dealing with battles both internal and external (without going into detail) that have exhausted me and discouraged me even more. My motivation to do ANYTHING other than watch movies or go to the gym is I would say at an all-time low, a result of dealing with these “battles” and feeling continually homesick. So yes…that’s the truth. I know that I’m “learning” and “growing” and “being stretched” – but to be honest, it doesn’t really feel worth it right now, and it’s not actually that much of an encouragement, at least in this moment.
A few weeks ago I finished reading Shauna Niequist’s book Bittersweet, a collection of short stories and “thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way” – and as you might be able to infer from this description, it could not have been a more PERFECT book for me to read this semester. You know when you read a book or watch a movie or hear a song, and it just completely describes or depicts or embodies how you are feeling, what you are going through, what you are thinking to yourself – or, sometimes, it’s just exactly what you needed to hear – to know that you’re not alone? This book was that for me. This passage, in particular, is what I needed to hear and be reminded of. It’s long, but I’m putting in the whole thing, just in case maybe it’s what you need to hear too :)
“I used to think that the growth we experience through pain, physical or not, was a consolation prize. I thought that what we really want are easy lives, and if we can’t have those, then we can at least become deep, grounded people who grow through heartbreak. But I don’t know anyone who has an easy life forever. Everyone I know gets their heart broken sometime, by something. The question is not, will my life be easy or will my heart break? But rather, when my heart breaks, will I choose to grow? Sometimes in the moments of the most searing pain, we think we don’t have a choice. But we do. It’s in those moments that we make the most important choice: grow or give up. It’s easy to want to give up under the weight of what we’re carrying. It seems sometimes like the only possible choice. But there’s always, always another choice, and transformation is waiting for us just beyond that choice. This is what I know: God can make something beautiful out of anything, out of darkness and trash and broken bones. He can shine light into even the blackest night, and he leaves us glimpses of hope. New life and new beauty are all around us, waiting to be discovered, waiting to be seen.”
So, even though there have been a few points along the way where I’ve given up (okay, maybe more than a few), today I’ve chosen and I’m choosing to find something beautiful. And in the spirit of it being Thanksgiving week, I’m choosing to be thankful. I’m thankful that this week I received an RA position for next semester – a job that I really wanted. I’m thankful for someone finding my keys and phone and sending them back to me. I’m thankful for my always-loving host family. I’m thankful for my elderly friend Gonzalo and our sweet coffee dates. I’m thankful for a Thanksgiving celebration that – while not quite the same as being home – was still joyous and festive and DELICIOUS. And, of course, I’m thankful for Apple’s worldwide warranty :)
Happy Thanksgiving, and Merry Christmas season!!
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