Challenges and Changes

Yesterday I had a tough day. It wasn’t any one big event in particular – more just a string of things that put me on edge and made me even more acutely aware of the fact that this foreign country I’m living in continues to feel, well, foreign. After waiting approximately 30 minutes for the bus that’s supposed to run about every two, I arrived to class 15 minutes late and extremely irritated, because while everyone else seems to accept the fact that “punctuality” as a concept doesn’t really exist here, I’m still struggling to let go of my anal need to always be on time. I then found myself completely lost and consequently frustrated by the rapid Spanish being spoken during my 2-hour intercultural communication class (ironic that for a class on communication I find it so very difficult to actually communicate intelligently), wanting so badly to understand what the professor and my classmates were talking about but eventually just giving up altogether. Trying to salvage my quickly dissipating mood, I went to the gym for an endorphin-boost, but then proceeded to take the wrong bus home, which WOULD have been fine and I could have easily just hopped on another bus, except that I had only brought with me the exact change needed to take the ONE bus home, not two. Anyways, after about an hour of trying to make change at various places and getting semi-lost, I finally made it home, worn out and feeling a bit defeated.

I know, I know, I really shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Nothing went/is going catastrophically wrong, and most days I actually feel very proud of myself and the effort I’m putting forth towards speaking Spanish, being social with people despite the language barrier, and enjoying Quito and life here for what it is, foreign and unfamiliar and new. I guess I just feel like everything at this point should be getting so much easier…and it isn’t really. I know that my Spanish is definitely improving, and that I know my way around the city 10X better than I did when I first arrived, and that I am discovering new things each day that make this place feel a little bit more like home. But then there are days like yesterday where everything still feels annoyingly difficult and stressful and just plain exhausting, and I convince myself that maybe I can’t handle so many challenging changes and unknowns.

(On a side note, I find it all too ironic that I always joke that the C1s (Duke’s bus system) stress me out more than anything else at Duke…and wouldn’t you know, the buses here also seem to be my main cause of stress. Clearly God thinks I still have a ways to go with my patience with buses. Probably true.)

When I first arrived in Kenya back in June, it felt strangely like I had been there before, like it was a place I’d known my whole life. The transition was oddly smooth, surprisingly easy, with little-to-no culture shock, and I fell instantly in love with anything and everything Kenya-related – the country, the people, my team. I felt a natural and genuine joy there like none I had experienced before. And while part of me wishes that every life adventure and risk ends up being that effortless, of course I’m not so naïve to think that that’s reality. In fact, for most people and most of the time, a huge life-shift (like moving countries, for example..) feels overwhelming and downright terrifying. It’s normal to feel that way. And as cliché as it sounds, it IS all part of the experience. I can handle it, it doesn't have to feel effortlessly easy, and God will walk through it all with me, every step of the way.

I told my parents the other day over Skype that I don’t think I would be able to handle everything that’s different about this semester abroad had I not learned what I did this summer in Kenya. And as I keep thinking about that statement, I've realized just how true it is. In Kenya I became much more rooted both in my identity – who God says I am and who I KNOW I am – and my faith. And I have absolutely relied on those things to keep me grounded and confident that God is not only taking care of me but that I also have permission to take care of myself – to treat myself with kindness and not have to worry about gaining other peoples’ approval or being instantly good at everything I do or try. It’s been challenging, yes, but challenges yield rewards – mainly, in my case, growth and faith – which I realized is what I’ve been praying for all along.